Why Don't We Listen Better
Communicating & Connecting in Relationships

Table of Contents
PART ONE: Options in Communicating
 1
1. Communication Became Important to Me
 3
I learned some of this early
5
Listening deeper
6
What’s ahead in the book?
7
To get the most out of the book
8
2. The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions 10
Stomach functions 11
Heart functions 12
Head functions 12
Directing our emotions 12
Does thinking affect our feelings? 13
Rationalizing stirs our disconnections 14
How it’s all supposed to work 15
Where do stomach, heart, and head talk fit? 16
3. Communication – Connecting & Disconnecting 18
Two levels of communication 18
When we don’t hear each other 20
When you want a listener and get a
pool-grabber		 21
Being heard 22
4. The Flat-Brain Syndrome 23
Stomachs overload 23
Hearts turn bricklike 25
And brains go flat 25
Hearing is skewed 27
Seeing is distorted 28
And the mouth works overtime 29
True and not true 30
Four goals to counter the flat-brain syndrome 30
   1. Reduce emotional disturbance 31
   2. Clarify thinking 31
   3. Increase self-confidence 31
   4. Build a supportive friendship 31
5. The Flat-Brain Tango 33
A courtroom culture 35
Courtroom or collaboration? 36
6. Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Syndrome 38
Victors or friends? 38
The need to win 39
Handling a “thud” 40
Do I deserve a shot? 41
Changing communication habits 41
The Double-Reverse-Twist 42
Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk 44
Let’s dance to a new song 44


PART TWO: The Talker-Listener Process 47
7. Going Beyond the Tango 49
Taking turns seems simple 50
One fish story at a time 52
Good listeners improve our stories 53
Teeth marks in the tongue 54
End arguing as we know it 54
8. The Talker-Listener Card 55
The TLC as intervention 56
We all forget 57
Getting ready to use the TLC 57
Observing pays dividends 58
Telephone practice 60
A coffee house experiment 60
Try the TLC with a “safe” friend 62
Can you use the TLC with yourself? 63
Some people can’t listen 63
9. TLC – Who Talks First? 65
Talker – I’m most bothered 65
If neither of you can listen...what then? 66
Listener – I’m calm enough to hear 67
Thud means listen 68
Don’t let a question mask what someone needs to say 68
Does the TLC help when only one person uses it? 69
10. TLC - Who Owns the Problem? 70
Talker - I own the problem 70
Bouncing pronouns 70
The issue is deeper than pronouns 72
There are exceptions 73
The four-alarm issue in problem ownership 73
Listener - I don’t own the problem 75
11. TLC - What Does the Talker Do? 76
First Talker Goal – To share my feelings 77
Stomach talk 77
Watch out for the dreaded “I feel that....” 78
Sharing feelings is risky, but worth it 79
Second Talker Goal - To share my thoughts 80
Head talk 80
Compliments 81
Sharing thinking is risky too 82
Third Talker Goal - My 82
Ownership 83
Openess 83
Heart talk 84
The EHJ’s of balanced communication 85
12. TLC - Talk Without 89
Talker - Without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging 89
Using the finger method 90
The finger method with heat 90
13. TLC - What Does the Listener Do? 92
Two heads better than one? 92
First Listener goal - To provide safety 93
Serious safety in a world of alligators 94
Second Listener goal - To understand 95
Non-judgmental listening 96
Listening - dangerous to our opinions 97
Third Listener goal - To clarify 98
Will listening change anyone? 99
Sometimes listening doesn’t work 100
Listening into people’s lives 101
14. TLC - Listen Without 102
Listen - Without agreeing 102
Useful agreement 103
Agreement, a substitute for friendship? 104
Listen - Without disagreeing 104
Listen – Without advising 105
Do quick answers pay off? 106
When asked a question, ask a question 106
When you do give advice 107
Listen - Without defending 107
Defending equals attacking 108
15. When to Turn the Card 109
In simple conversations: A loop 109
If the conversation is complex: Longer 110
With people who talk all the time 111


PART THREE: The Listening Techniques 113
16. A Few Communicating Traps 115
   1. Ritual listening 115
   2. Perry Masons 116
   3. Why? 118
   4. Not? 119
   5. I understand 120
   6. Yes, but 121
When “Yes, but...” helps 122
What if a talker or listener uses a trap on us? 122
17. When Trying New Skills 124
18. Basic Listening Techniques 126
Note the odd punctuation mark combination (….?) 127
Acknowledge 127
Repeat accurately 128
When at a listening loss 130
Use Para-feeling 130
Whose feelings are they? 131
Use Para-thinking 132
To clarify thinking is a process 133
Alternating between feelings and thoughts 133
Use both hands 135
Number feelings 136
Special case: Guys and their feelings 136
Low-level feelings 137
Play detective 138
Use questioning carefully 139
Guess 140
Interrupt 141
Own your own feelings 142
“How’s school?” “Fine.” 143
Decode 144
No one knows what anyone really said? 146
Meet intensity 147
Admit ignorance 148
Hem and haw 149
Hemming and hawing after school 149
Match pace 150
Allow space 151
Ring the pebble 152
Lead the witness 153
Parental responsibility 154
Explore the future 156
19. Special Circumstances Listening Techniques 157
Old folks and “boring” stories 157
Problems or predicaments? 159
Fear barriers 160
Tears 162
After a death 164
The six-and-a-half-week rule 165
If people don’t really want to talk about it 165
Religious issues at death 165
Rigidity 167
Expectations and anger 169
Persistent anger and bullfighters 171
Asking for help 172
20. What about Heaviest Listening Situations? 175
Suicide hints 176
First a disclaimer 176


PART FOUR: Using the TLC in Groups 181
21. The Listening Game (At Mealtimes) 183
The rules of engagement 184
One family’s example 185
The TLC with game rules can help a family crisis 187
22. Guiding Difficult Group Discussions 190
23. Moderating Two-Party Conversations 195
24. Making Decisions Together 203
   1. Sharing 203
   2. Negotiating 205
   3. Closing 205


PART FIVE: Concluding Philosophy 207
25. Beyond Skill 209
What does it take? 209
Empathy, genuiness, and warmth 210
Genuiness 211
Warmth 211
Therapeutic or thera-noxious? 212
Acknowledgments 215
About Dr. Jim Petersen 219
Appendix 221
The Flat-Brain Slump 221
Additional book order information 223
Talker-Listener Cards and order information 225


Over 225 pages explaining Common Communication Problems with their Practical Solutions